


101 Things the Marauders Are Not Allowed, Under Any Circumstances, To Do

by itwasprongs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, F/M, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 20:59:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3396134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itwasprongs/pseuds/itwasprongs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was inevitable that someone would keep a record of the Marauder's behaviour and, well... this is the result. Or part of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	101 Things the Marauders Are Not Allowed, Under Any Circumstances, To Do

**Author's Note:**

> This is a twist on Skippy's List which I wrote at 1 am and will probably be continued.

 

  1. Not allowed to tell first years that the only way to get Peeves to stop annoying them is to serenade him with the Weird Sister’s song “I Want To Polter-Kiss You”

  2. Not allowed to reenact the Barricade scene from Les Miserables in the Great Hall

  3. Not allowed to reenact the Barricade scene from Les Miserables on Hogwarts grounds

  4. Not allowed to build a shrine to Sirius Black’s hair

  5. Not allowed to list Merlin as their legal guardian on their Hosgmeade permission form

  6. Not allowed to list Merlin, Morgana, any Troll King, muggle Emperor or Abeforth Dumbledore as their legal guardian on their Hogsmeade permission form

  7. Not allowed to walk in front of Professor McGonagall throwing roses and confetti

  8. The following reasons are not valid reasons to banish first years from the Gryffindor common room (especially as they don’t have the authority to banish anyone from the common room): being obnoxious, annoying, too short, loud, irritating, a defender of the Slytherin kind, a midget, a reminder of their favourite deceased relative, scrappy, unexpectedly better than Peter Pettigrew at gobstones

  9. Must not wear eye patches in commemoration of any dead pirate

  10. Even if the dead pirate is apparently a recently deceased relative

  11. Not allowed to physically remove anyone from the best seats in the Gryffindor common room

  12. Not allowed to reserve seats in the Gryffindor common room

  13. Not allowed to threaten anyone sat in their desired seat with “death if you don’t move in the next two seconds”

  14. Mustn't talk about failed executions in front of Nearly Headless Nick

  15. Should not discuss the likelihood of a giant invasion in earshot of first and second years

  16. Not allowed to magically glue a beret to the caretaker’s cat’s head

  17. Not allowed to magically glue a beret to the caretaker’s head

  18. Not allowed to use the prefect bathroom for activities aside from washing

  19. Not allowed to label ingredients in the Potion’s supply closet as “deadly weapons of war”

  20. Not allowed to teach students rude Latin phrases under the pretence of them being spells

  21. Not allowed to release nifflers into the great hall during the Valentine’s Day feast

  22. Should not be allowed within ten feet of any niffler which may be stolen and used to cause havoc in the school

  23. Not allowed to pay lost bets against Ravenclaws with leprechaun gold

  24. Must never charm the suits of armour to sing “Mamma Mia” when Professor Slughorn walks past them

  25. Even if Professor Slughorn doesn’t mind

  26. Must not forge letters from the Minister for Magic to Dumbledore expressing their deepest adoration for his beard

  27. Not allowed to replace the toad in the hole’s at the Slytherin table with actual toads in yorkshire puddings

  28. Not allowed to sing potentially offending lyrics at quidditch matches

  29. Not allowed to sing potentially offending lyrics at quidditch matches especially when Remus Lupin is conducting

  30. Not allowed to wear mourning veils during any external examinations

  31. Must not turn all desks and chairs away from the front of the classroom for a whole History of Magic lesson just to see if Professor Binns notices anything

  32. Must not turn all desks and chairs away from the front of the classroom for any amount of time during a History of Magic lesson just to see if Professor Binns notices anything

  33. They are not the Supreme Leaders of Hogwarts

  34. Not allowed to start a political campaign to have James Potter replace Professor Dumbledore as Headmaster

  35. Not allowed to transfigure fellow students into any reptiles

  36. Must never challenge Professor McGonagall to a duel at dawn (Note: She will win.)

  37. They should not appoint first years as their minions and bribe them to be their slaves for the day

  38. The Grande Headmaster is not a real position of or with any authority and does not outrank Headmaster Dumbledore and Sirius Black is not The Grande Headmaster

  39. Not allowed to give detentions to “students for being in my way”, “breathing too loudly”, “existing”, “blinking five times in ten second”, “walking in front of me”, “thinking you were more fabulous than Sirius Black”

  40. Only Remus Lupin and James Potter can give detentions and deduct house points

  41. Sirius Black cannot expel anyone from Hogwarts

  42. Neither can Peter Pettigrew, James Potter or Remus Lupin

  43. Using “but it’s my time of the month” as an excuse to get out of a detention is neither a) plausible or b) allowed

  44. Not allowed to replace the Slytherin dining table’s benches with high chairs

  45. Not allowed to enter the Restricted Section with a permission slip signed by their “legal guardian” (see 5&6)

  46. Not allowed to ask Dumbledore if he’s really Gandalf in disguise

  47. Not allowed to levitate students

  48. Not allowed to invite Professor Slughorn to dinner at Madame Puddifoot’s for his birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day

  49. Not allowed to charm people’s hair blue

  50. Not allowed to play strip poker, strip roulette, strip chess, strip Exploding Snap, strip gobstones, strip marbles, strip spoons in the Gryffindor common room

  51. Not allowed to make bets about whether or not Hagrid is hiding a dragon in the Forbidden Forest

  52. Not allowed to bring pornographic magazines to Muggle Studies as an example of “fine Muggle literature”

  53. Not allowed to change the lyrics of Hogwart’s school song

  54. Not allowed to tell visiting students from other wizarding schools that the only way to be allowed entrance to the Great Hall is to perform a ritual involving pouring water from the Black Lake over their head and descending from the stairs into the Entrance Hall in a white nightgown

  55. Not allowed to call Professor McGonagall any of the following names: Minnie, McGee, Scottie, Nev, Mum, Doll, PILF (Note: The Marauders only ever called McGonagall one of these - Minnie - to her face once and after the ensuing wrath they decided the other nicknames would be best kept for private discussions)

  56. Not allowed to camp outside the staff room claiming they’re being neglected by the parental figures

  57. Not allowed to call Dumbledore “dad”, McGonagall “mum, Slughorn “uncle Slug,” Madame Pomfrey “auntie Pommers”

  58. When the Ministry of Magic visits, wearing ceremonial dress robes is not the appropriate clothing

  59. Not allowed to trade younger students amongst houses

  60. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever show up drunk to Transfiguration

  61. Successful coups are not allowed

  62. Not allowed to decorate the entire school with pictures of Sirius Black on his birthday, his half-birthday, his quatre-birthday, the anniversary of his first word, the anniversary of his first steps, the anniversary of his first swear word or when James Potter wants to let the world know just how much he appreciates his best mate

  63. Not allowed to challenge anyone to a muggle duel at dawn

  64. Rat intestines, newt tails, raven wings (all animal parts) used as potions ingredients do not need ceremonial burials in the Hogwarts grounds

  65. Or outside of the Hogwarts grounds

  66. Not allowed to call Sirius Black, “Potter’s mistress”

  67. Not allowed to transfigure first years feet and call them Hobbits

  68. There’s no such thing as Merlin’s Sacrificial Ritual

  69. Do not make a fake map and treasure trail which claims to lead to Rowena Ravenclaw’s long lost diadem and give it to younger students when it actually leads to the Hogs Head

  70. Not allowed to order everyone to call them by their true names of Romeo, Mercutio, Tybalt and Lady Montague

  71. The entrance hall is not an appropriate place to practice interpretive dance

  72. Not allowed to start an interpretive dance class

  73. Not even if Dumbledore volunteers to help teach it

  74. Not allowed to make twenty minute toasts every night before dinner

  75. Not allowed to paint murals of themselves in the Slytherin common room

  76. James Potter is not allowed to “channel his inner Enjolras” on top of the Astronomy tower

  77. The quidditch pitch is not to be used for hosting a banquet on the night of the Summer solstice

  78. Not allowed to refer to Lily Evans as carrots, Lilykins, Lilyflower, Gollum, Ms Bennet, Doll, Kindred Spirit, Spawn of Morgana, Pistol, Queen of All Things Wonderful, Jesus, Aphrodite, Love of Our Meagre Lives

  79. Not allowed to commission portraits of themselves and sit for them during lessons, in the Great Hall, in Dumbledore’s office, in the Girl’s toilets

  80. Not allowed to introduce new awards just so they can present Peter Pettigrew with a trophy for “being a jolly good, spiffing, awfully excellent gentleman”

  81. Convincing first years to try and use the whomping willow’s branches as a skipping rope is not allowed

  82. Not allowed to start a cat shelter on Hogwarts ground

  83. Not allowed to run a betting shop from their dorm room

  84. A whole school vote on a professor’s decision is not necessary

  85. The loss of Remus Lupin’s favourite pillow from the common room does not require a school wise “missing persons” search with speeches, pamphlets, posters, or appeals

  86. Wearing tassels at the tip of the hat is not appropriate schoolwear

  87. Neither is full Roman military dress, muggle disco outfits, bridal gowns or loincloths

  88. Not allowed to purposefully try and piss off a Hufflepuff whose best friend is a Slytherin just to see if it’s true that Slytherins can turn into snakes if someone annoys them

  89. Not allowed to bribe anyone with money, lap dances, a smile from Lily Evans, Sirius’ Black’s mouth, a million house points, muggle explosives, inflatable dragons and/or illegally bred pixies

  90. Not allowed to reenact Tales Of the Beedle and the Bard anywhere within a fifteen mile radius of the Hogwart’s grounds

  91. Not allowed to erect a throne and host a coronation for James Potter during which his head boy badge is pinned to his robes

  92. Not allowed to sing nursery rhymes to Slytherins

  93. They mustn't release weekly issues of a Hogwarts gossip rag (and generate income from it)

  94. Not allowed to send 436 individually wrapped dungbombs to the caretaker on his birthday

  95. During Divination they may not predict the untimely demise of the Divination teacher with surprising accuracy

  96. Not allowed to propose to the gargoyle outside Dumbledore’s office

  97. Not allowed to start a new religion just to take vows of silence

  98. Not allowed to demand a lawyer every time they are put in detention or lose house points

  99. Not allowed to start a republic

  100. James Potter is not allowed to publicly snog Lily Evans for fear of scaring all other residents of Hogwarts to death (Note: this rule had to be made after repeated incursions of everyone’s appropriate intimacy levels and it was never able to be enforced and was repeatedly, unabashedly and relentlessly broken)

  101. Not allowed to die (Note: This rule was broken by all four Marauders)




 


End file.
